AVOIDING MALE PREDATORS

A friend lightheartedly commented about "freak-a-zoid" men contacting her.

These were men who had made lewd comments to her, had been intoxicated when she met them, or who had called her in the middle of night. Or men she connected with them via online dating, who obtained her phone number before she saw signs of deception or manipulation.

Though she was half-joking, this brought up my fears.

I have witnessed first-hand the devastating effects of violent stalkers. The woman lived with an ever-present dread and consuming fear, while plagued with a myriad of stress-related physical symptoms, including chronic pain. By the time the predator situation was resolved, we had involved law enforcement in two states, and police reports had been filed in two states.

Also involved were district attorney’s offices, public defenders offices, many private attorneys, domestic violence advocates and about twenty victim rights and disability rights organizations in multiple states.

While being stalked and threatened night and day, other emergencies arose. She had to deal with the resulting collapse of her mental and physical health. Over 18 months, she saw fifteen doctors and medical specialists, as well as two therapists. Due to extreme anxiety and the resulting agoraphobia, she was prescribed anti-anxiety drugs, anti-depressants and pain killers. Five ER visits and five hospitals later, and after fleeing her home-state, she began piecing together her life in a city she was unfamiliar with, and where she had no support network.

But she was alive.

I'd like to share some things I've learned about dealing with, and avoiding this kind of nightmare. Here, I will refer to "Freak-a-zoid" men as predators.

This is the mindset of a woman who opens the door to violent predators: "I decided to just be nice and let him down easily, so I wouldn’t hurt his feelings."

This is the approach of many woman before they became stalking victims or victims of violence. Predators run a numbers game. They hit up on 12 women a day, focusing on the woman that reject them the least. The ones that engage in more eye contact, picked up the phone to speak with them (even if to say "do not call me"), or spend another minute in conversation after inappropriate remarks were made.

How could a man open a woman's heart a little bit, so fast?! The oldest manipulation tactic in the book is flattery: “You are so beautiful.” Do predators still use this?! Yes. They use it because it works.

And there is the all-time favorite, “I love you.” For many women, these words are like a drug. Predators know it. Predators use it. There are variations. “I think you might be the one,” is how one controlling and violent man spoke to woman at their first meeting. He was a successful predator.

When undesirable men attempt to connect with you, you are in the drivers seat. You can give away your power, or use it. If he calls, do not pick up the phone. If you do, then the predator succeeds, and you are playing a game of Russian roulette with your safety. In the predators mind, that small connection is interpreted as a "buying sign." A green light.

Even a returned smile can place his focus on you. Yes, this is sad, and it sounds cynical... unless you understand the statistics and reality of crimes against woman. If you do not feel comfortable with a man, disengage completely. Every study indicates that when a woman is dealing with this kind of man, there can be no "middle ground."

In other words, if you respond to an email, even if to say “no thanks,” you have given him what he wants (connection) and further, communicated "I am interested.... ("no" means "yes," etc.)

If you are walking alone in a place that does not feel safe, do not engage in eye contact with strangers. Do not respond to talk. Walk quickly, and with direction. Pepper spray should be in your purse or on your keychain (available online and in Seattle at Big 5 stores).

If you are going to meet someone you do not know, it's OK to bring a friend. They could even sit at another table. Prior to meeting, call or email pertinent info to a friend or family member. For example, where you are meeting, his name and phone number, even his car model and make and license if you are able to do that.

If you feel it's necessary, you could even be making the call as you meet. "Mike's got blue eyes and short black hair and drives a white Honda Prelude... so I don't think this is the same guy. Talk to ya later!" That might do well as a "don't mess with me" message! In the mind of a predator, this places you in the less-desirable victim category.

Is a conscientious and considerate man really going to have a problem with a woman who is being smart and playing it safe?

“I’m really careful about meeting any man I don’t know.”

Did you know you can ask that police file a “courtesy report” if you are concerned about someone’s behavior, but not ready to file for a restraining order?

The filing of a legal a restraining order is free. If a domestic violence victim requires help filling out paperwork, there are caring advocates who will help. Free.

You can have a criminal background check done on anyone for about $25.

The first thing law enforcement will ask is “do you have any evidence or documentation of this?” The ONLY thing that really matters in court is evidence. So, save all data and records of communication, even if they are non-threatening. Copies of emails, texts, pics, letters. Everything. Sometimes, just proving that someone was communicating with you on any level can become an important issue.

If a man's behavior is worrying you, here are some basics about evidence. Emails are golden. They hold up in court and a predator cannot backtrack and claim it was never sent, etc. Next most important are voice mails. Save all concerning voice mails. Another advantage with phones is that if things get real bad, phone records can be subpeooned, showing for example, a stalking pattern of calls to you. The worst idea is to have a conversation person to person. Totally undocumentable.

One woman flew into her hometown to retrieve her belongings from a violent predator. She was smart to have a friend (witness!) with her. She was also smart to bring a camera. The resulting picture of the predator being arrested by law enforcement officers for felony assault became a crucial piece of evidence, as she continued to deal with harassment over the following year.

Even though a felony arrest is a matter of public record, that single cell phone picture was a Godsend. Anyone can claim a (arrest report) document is forged or inaccurate, but a picture of the arrest in progress? Home run.

Get witnesses. If her friend had not been present, the matter would have been what lawyers call a "one-on-one," meaning it is simply one persons word against another’s. The judges dread it. The attorneys dread it. It's a mess. Justice basically becomes a coin toss.

If you are concerned about a predator in your life, then you must think in terms of evidence and witnesses. Never meet a male predator alone. Sounds simple, but it happens all the time. In these situations, woman are often retrieving belongings, or children are being exchanged. Predators use these situations as way to gain advantage allowing further abuse and manipulation.

If it is already a highly charged situation, call the police or sheriff’s department and ask for help, and at least put them "on call" as to the possibility of problems. Write down the officer's name and also get the name of his supervisor. Or call the local courthouse and ask for a domestic violence advocate.

Getting a cell phone picture of a man as you meet is a great idea. “I have a bet with my friend about what color shirt you’d be wearing.” That will cool his predator vibe down a few notches. Especially when he sees you sending his picture to someone.

For woman with a past history of abuse from men, there is disturbing new information about trauma. A woman who has been traumatized by a man will have a DECREASED ability to remain rational in similar future situations. This means that because of your past wounds, there is an increased likelihood that you place yourself in harm's way to be hurt in the same way again!

This may be a partial answer as to how some victims appear to attract abusive situations, or become what could be referred to as "serial victims." Whenever they are close to those types of people, there brain shuts down!

For woman in this category, one solution is to check in with friends about your decisions. If a situation arises during a date or meeting, tell the man you just received an emergency text, and that you have to go. “I’m going to take one more picture of you (you are not asking, you are doing!), and then I’ve got to go!” Snap.

Of course you are in a public place, so that could be a quick and clean exit.

There is a reason psychopaths, sociopaths, anti-socials and borderline personalities lie so well… they aren’t even attempting “lie," as you or I would define it. In many cases, predators make it up as they go. They rewrite reality and believe their own fiction.

This is why they are phenomenal liars. Better than the best. Able to answer every conceivable question about their lies. So if you tell yourself you can spot “lying signs,” forget it. A predator is not "lying" when he tells you about the famous people he hangs out with, his tropical vacation homes and his 8 cars. He's describing the truth in his mind.

If you plan to do some dating, buy a disposable cell phone with 300 free minutes for about $25. By using a designated phone for all date contacts (or men you are uncertain about), your regular personal number remains confidential.

One last thing. Do not believe the laws will protect you. Do not believe the police will protect you. The police and the legal system and largely ineffective and blind. A retarded stalker could outmaneuver the laws while destroying a defenseless woman’s health and life. The trick is to stay off the radar of the predators. Do not be nice!


If this topic interests you, check out

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm#Sociopath

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality













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