END OF RELATIONSHIP LETTER FROM MANY YEARS AGO

(going thru my old Win 95 C-drive- found this letter. I like some of the things I said)

______,

I can only imagine how difficult yesterday might have been.

I hope you do not view pain or sadness as a sign of failure. On the contrary, it is a part of yours and my healing.

While my healing will continue (sometimes VERY difficult, sometimes fun), I wanted to let you know that I forgive you. I absolutely release you from all “wrongdoing.” My home and your home is in God. We are eternal. If I imagine someone truly has the power to take something from me, that is my ego ignoring God--ignoring my birthright to love and joy.

I recognize that you have allowed me to learn a painful lesson that I had no choice but to face in this life. The lesson of self-love: understanding how to balance my needs while loving others is my single most important lesson. No doubt about it.

You were there for me, allowing this lesson to be learned. Not that I am perfect in this learning, but I am making progress. Sometimes I slip into the hellacious stories I tell myself… “I have always been picked on. All of my relationships have been about saving people. My family is my hell. My family is in hell. Those I care about are in hell. There is too much suffering. Happiness is obviously not for me. I have been forgotten by the Universe.”

Truly, these are thoughts that I am working on releasing. We are not so different.

I know that if I allow myself to stay in that mental space, I will be bringing those types of situations (loss, suffering) into my life. MORE OF THEM!

I had these kinds of thoughts before we met, so it is not your fault. It is a part of my learning. I accept the learning now, even though it is very challenging. But I love the feeling of freedom… when I am feeling happy and having good thoughts--that each day is new and the future is open. I feel good because I know I am bringing more happy things to me in the future.

In my life so far, my unhealed fearful thoughts have perpetuated pain, feelings of isolation and feelings of being abandoned by God.

Now that I am becoming more conscious, as you are, I am able to relearn (in baby-steps) how to create a different life. New kinds of days and mornings and evenings. New people and new energy and new everything.

What about people who are suffering? What about the people I would have previously joined in sadness and fear? I now understand that entering into that energetic space does not help them. It hurts them. It does not help me. It disempowers me. I become a “believer” in an imagined Universe ruled by fear and despair. I become a prop in their play about meaninglessness and lonliness

I am not here to suffer. Neither are you. And I am done participating in roles where I reflect to others the pain in the world. I am done being hypnotized by the appearance of pain and suffering and beginning to see through to the beauty of it all.

I now quit blaming God, quit blaming you or my sister. I see my parents and you and everyone as perfect. I am learning to recognize perfection. I still slip and get angry about my family situation or the pain I must watch others endure or stuff that happened between you and I, but in the long run, I am excited about small positive changes I am creating by seeing things differently.

Thank you for playing an important role in my healing and my soul-growth.

Yes, if I allow my old thoughts to run their course, and focus on the negative things that happened when we were together, I find myself in that familiar hell-place, where I am angry, and feeling victimized and powerless. But I am learning to recognize that feeling before it really takes over.

I know that when I am in anger, I have lost the key. This is when I must take the time to breathe, and do whatever is necessary to redirect my energy. My anger and suffering is how I have abandoned my power and my self. I have traded God and the possibility of beautiful changes for a familiar place: the feeling of being a powerless and unable to responsibility for my actions or my life. I am quite an expert as this useless technique!

But this is something I no longer pursue and perfect. This kind of thinking has created blindness and depression and enough anger to level a mountain. “Suffering eventually loses it’s charm,” as a wise man once said.

We experienced many beautiful times together, and it is those moments I will recall when I think of you. If you reject a higher path, and choose thoughts of powerlessness and loss, I will be here thinking about the hikes and laughing with Becker and the music. If you choose the work of healing, leave the suffering behind, and remain committed to living clean, I will be here encouraging you in spirit, and remembering the goodness of our coming together.

I see you. You are beautiful like me. I know your innocent heart and your talents and your kindness and your hope and belief that the world can live in love.

I am sorry that moving forward feels impossible sometimes. Spiritual work is sometimes the hardest work. It still hurts parts of me to know good people like yourself suffer (I usually forget about me!). It still feels uncomfortable to realize innocent people must walk alone through their darkest nights, when it seems there is no light. I hate it, actually. So that’s where I have work to do … trusting the Universe. My work :)

My prayers are that you find peace and know the God-ness and perfection in you that I have witnessed and we have celebrated. Wish me luck on my own path! I know that if I am not remembering you with a smile, then that’s where I need to do more work on myself. The same way for my family.

You are free to be beautiful and sad, and you are free to be beautiful and joyous.

I Hold Your Hand.

Totem Lake Fred Meyer - Kroger - I-wireless unfair policies and deceptive marketing.

(OPINION)

Never posted online about a consumer issue until now: Just got back from vacation.... Find that new cell plan via Fred Meyer drops out on calls to parents in OR, best friend 20 min away, and even local Fred Meyer store! Calls drop!! Totem Lake, WA Fred Meyer manager says if customer has used ph more than 10 min, there is no refund/ no return. I was in Packwood, WA for first 3-days!

1) The other day, the auto-dial to hear voicemail dropped. Was not able to hear voice mail, although I am prompted to listen to it!

2) No response from Fred Meyer… so I purchase a ph and plan via Target. Samsung cell and AT&T “GO Phone.” In order to activate the ph, customer must call in from another ph… so I use the I-wireless ph. I am talking to the AT&T rep and we are getting somewhere, then the ph line drops. Wow.

3) How is anyone supposed to evaluate an entire cell network using only 10 minutes of ph time?

If a customer is aware that reception is good / bad with specific carriers, that won’t help. Take a close look at the package and fine print… no information about carrier. It’s not there.

(Maybe because it is Sprint?)

If you ask a Fred Meyer employee which carrier Kroger affiliated I-wireless uses, they do not know.

I go to Iwireless.com and see a T-Mobil icon at the VERY TOP OF MAIN PAGE. They really thought this one out. They got me!

I know that T-mobil service is good in this area. I know Sprint is unusable in this area.

Anyway, I buy the I-wireless cell / plan. After I have made the purchase and realize it sucks, I speak with the manager (after first call drops) and he says, “Oh yeah, I-wireless is Sprint.”

Where do customers needs come into this program? Who thought this plan up? Who is the buyer at Kroger who decided this will make the company money AND provide honest service to Kroger / Fred Meyer customers?

Long time Fred Meyer fan…. This is similar to bait and switch. This is clearly a case of unfair policies and deceptive marketing.

I LOVE MARYANN MUNROE

I want to find lovers in the tall trees we pass under. I want to live in your breath and spend days in your kisses. Together, we will fly warm night skies and chase the setting sun.

As I share stories of my heart, we will cruise unchartered galaxies and laugh about France and Earth, and the time we first met.

Again.

We will explore the sun and rain and clouds of far away planets.

You are my dance, and my flight. You are the wings I have waited for.

If love is real, then God is real, and my next ten lives will be lived with you.

THAT FAR GONE (Love Survivalist)

Did you know about my “out clause?”

Did you know that I can disappear faster than a fucking rabbit?

Did you know that I can be so far gone that you won’t even be able to figure out if I was real or a dream?

Did you know that I am scarce? That I hide? That I am wanted? That you are lucky?

No.

You didn’t.

Which is why, at any moment, if you say the wrong thing, or imply the wrong thought, or look at me wrong way, I will motherfucking leave you in the motherfucking dust.

Forget me.

YOU WILL EAT MY DUST SO FAST, YOU WON'T HAVE TIME TO UTTER MY NAME.

You will know your choices:

Think about me

Or breathe.

Yes.

I will be that far gone.

1/23/01

.............................................................................

Did you know about my “out clause?”

No, tell me.

Did you know that I can disappear faster than a fucking rabbit?

I am fast. I am an eagle. I will come find you. I will scour the earth.

Did you know that I can be so far gone that you won’t even be able to figure out if I was real or a dream?

I could never forget you.

Did you know that I am scarce? Yes. That I hide? Yes. That I am wanted? Yes. That you are lucky? Yes.

No.

You didn’t.

But now I do.

Which is why, at any moment, if you say the wrong thing, or imply the wrong thought, or look at me wrong way, I will motherfucking leave you in the motherfucking dust.

I won't then. I will just tell you I love you over and over again. Even when the words sound different, it will still be I love you.

Forget me.

Never.

YOU WILL EAT MY DUST SO FAST, YOU WON'T HAVE TIME TO UTTER MY NAME.

I will eat anything you ask me to. And I will not utter your name. I will shout it to the heavens or to hell until you return.

You will know your choices:

Think about me

Or breathe.

I will think about you. Death does not scare me.

Yes.

I will be that far gone.

You live in my heart. How could I ever lose you?