(going thru my old Win 95 C-drive- found this letter. I like some of the things I said)
______,
I can only imagine how difficult yesterday might have been.
I hope you do not view pain or sadness as a sign of failure. On the contrary, it is a part of yours and my healing.
While my healing will continue (sometimes VERY difficult, sometimes fun), I wanted to let you know that I forgive you. I absolutely release you from all “wrongdoing.” My home and your home is in God. We are eternal. If I imagine someone truly has the power to take something from me, that is my ego ignoring God--ignoring my birthright to love and joy.
I recognize that you have allowed me to learn a painful lesson that I had no choice but to face in this life. The lesson of self-love: understanding how to balance my needs while loving others is my single most important lesson. No doubt about it.
You were there for me, allowing this lesson to be learned. Not that I am perfect in this learning, but I am making progress. Sometimes I slip into the hellacious stories I tell myself… “I have always been picked on. All of my relationships have been about saving people. My family is my hell. My family is in hell. Those I care about are in hell. There is too much suffering. Happiness is obviously not for me. I have been forgotten by the Universe.”
Truly, these are thoughts that I am working on releasing. We are not so different.
I know that if I allow myself to stay in that mental space, I will be bringing those types of situations (loss, suffering) into my life. MORE OF THEM!
I had these kinds of thoughts before we met, so it is not your fault. It is a part of my learning. I accept the learning now, even though it is very challenging. But I love the feeling of freedom… when I am feeling happy and having good thoughts--that each day is new and the future is open. I feel good because I know I am bringing more happy things to me in the future.
In my life so far, my unhealed fearful thoughts have perpetuated pain, feelings of isolation and feelings of being abandoned by God.
Now that I am becoming more conscious, as you are, I am able to relearn (in baby-steps) how to create a different life. New kinds of days and mornings and evenings. New people and new energy and new everything.
What about people who are suffering? What about the people I would have previously joined in sadness and fear? I now understand that entering into that energetic space does not help them. It hurts them. It does not help me. It disempowers me. I become a “believer” in an imagined Universe ruled by fear and despair. I become a prop in their play about meaninglessness and lonliness
I am not here to suffer. Neither are you. And I am done participating in roles where I reflect to others the pain in the world. I am done being hypnotized by the appearance of pain and suffering and beginning to see through to the beauty of it all.
I now quit blaming God, quit blaming you or my sister. I see my parents and you and everyone as perfect. I am learning to recognize perfection. I still slip and get angry about my family situation or the pain I must watch others endure or stuff that happened between you and I, but in the long run, I am excited about small positive changes I am creating by seeing things differently.
Thank you for playing an important role in my healing and my soul-growth.
Yes, if I allow my old thoughts to run their course, and focus on the negative things that happened when we were together, I find myself in that familiar hell-place, where I am angry, and feeling victimized and powerless. But I am learning to recognize that feeling before it really takes over.
I know that when I am in anger, I have lost the key. This is when I must take the time to breathe, and do whatever is necessary to redirect my energy. My anger and suffering is how I have abandoned my power and my self. I have traded God and the possibility of beautiful changes for a familiar place: the feeling of being a powerless and unable to responsibility for my actions or my life. I am quite an expert as this useless technique!
But this is something I no longer pursue and perfect. This kind of thinking has created blindness and depression and enough anger to level a mountain. “Suffering eventually loses it’s charm,” as a wise man once said.
We experienced many beautiful times together, and it is those moments I will recall when I think of you. If you reject a higher path, and choose thoughts of powerlessness and loss, I will be here thinking about the hikes and laughing with Becker and the music. If you choose the work of healing, leave the suffering behind, and remain committed to living clean, I will be here encouraging you in spirit, and remembering the goodness of our coming together.
I see you. You are beautiful like me. I know your innocent heart and your talents and your kindness and your hope and belief that the world can live in love.
I am sorry that moving forward feels impossible sometimes. Spiritual work is sometimes the hardest work. It still hurts parts of me to know good people like yourself suffer (I usually forget about me!). It still feels uncomfortable to realize innocent people must walk alone through their darkest nights, when it seems there is no light. I hate it, actually. So that’s where I have work to do … trusting the Universe. My work :)
My prayers are that you find peace and know the God-ness and perfection in you that I have witnessed and we have celebrated. Wish me luck on my own path! I know that if I am not remembering you with a smile, then that’s where I need to do more work on myself. The same way for my family.
You are free to be beautiful and sad, and you are free to be beautiful and joyous.
I Hold Your Hand.
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