Maryann, a Seattle-based spiritual counselor, recently worked with the family of a severely autistic six-year old boy named Joey.
Joey's parents had adopted an attitude of optimism and faith, unshaken by the relentless needs of their son. Through the years, Maryann developed a close friendship with the mother, Laura and her son Joey. Despite Joey’s inability to speak, it was clear to Maryann that the boy was a spiritually evolved soul. The spiritual counselor did important healing work with Joey, and facilitated communications between the boy and his mother.
A week ago, Joey was placed in critical care after an unexplainable heart failure. Desperate, Laura phoned Maryann stating, “We cannot lose him. Our family doesn't work without Joey.”
Maryann immediately sensed the boy was brain-dead, though it was not until the next day that tests verified his grave condition.
The spiritual counselor was able to connect with the comatose boy’s spirit, sensing Joey’s strong desire to leave his physical body. Maryann received the boy's message: “I am done. I want a new life. I am tired of people doing things for me. Please let me make this one decision for myself and tell my mother and father I love them.”
Maryann faced the task of telling an extraordinarily dedicated mother that her son had no intention of returning to his damaged body.
Laura was crushed. Yet days later found the courage and wisdom to accept her son’s wishes.
On January 7, 2010, critical care physicians in a Bermuda hospital announced that Joey was expected to live only a few more days.
Knowing that these were the precious last moments of her son’s life, Laura (with Maryann) spent a great deal of time pondering a persistent new message, “Mommy, you know why I’m doing this” then began reflecting on another message that had begun a year ago. “I’ll be running by the time I’m seven.”
With her son dependent on the help of life-support, Laura confided in Maryann. She explained she was in love with another man and that she wished to have another child with him and start a new family.
Laura's marriage had been arranged around Joey. As love began to fade, Joey’s care seemed to be all that was holding the family together. On a soul-level, Joey knew that his mother had placed his own care above her own needs, and that his own neediness prevented her from being with the love of her life.
Years ago, in Maryann's first communication with Joey, a message was received revealing "the plan.” Maryann believed this referred to a type of deep commitment between Laura and Joey. The other often-repeated message was “I’ll be running by the time I’m seven.”
When Joey passed on, Laura was released from a marriage based solely upon the needs of an autistic child. The mother was now free to create a new life with the man she truly loved. Too, she would be able to live her ultimate dream of having a second child and creating a new family.
Days before Joey’s heart stopped, Laura hoped to connect with her child one last time. Laura asked Maryann to pose the question: “Would you be willing to come back as my next child?”
Maryann was apprehensive, thinking this could be too much, too soon for Joey. Also, the spiritual counselor realized the mother was dealing with an overwhelming personal crisis and may not be able to handle an answer she did not want to hear.
Nevertheless, Maryann asked the question of Joey. His answer was an explosion of warm light. The boy wished to return to Laura in a healthy body.
It seems “the plan” had been to live with Laura as an autistic child, providing his mother with lessons in unconditional love, patience and commitment.
Over time, the messages communicated through Maryann seemed to make more sense. Joey was to enter this world with a crippled mind and body. By leaving his body, Joey would free his mother from the failed marriage and allowing her to create a new life with the man she loved.
On January 9, 2010, six-year old Joey left this world. Though they continue to ponder "the plan" and the messages like "mommy knows why I’m doing this,” Laura and Maryann believe they have participated in a story interwoven with divine symmetry. After all, Joey may be running by the time he is seven.
.................................................
Joey's family resides in Bermuda. Maryann contributed a great deal of her time during this time of transition, accepted NO money, and expressed very little interest in a story documenting these events. Because the story involves private information, the spiritual counselor has not posted this article to her own website or in blogs containing her real name.
KEYWORDS: asperger autism autism autism children autism help autism history autism information autism news autism parents autism research autism society autism spectrum autism spectrum disorder autism spectrum disorders autism support groups autism symptoms autism teaching autism therapy autism toddlers autism treatment books on autism causes of autism children with autism
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
THICH NHAT HANH - (poem) Call Me By My True Names
This is my favorite poem ever. I'll let the Buddhist Monk writer Thich Nhat Hanh introduce it:
.....................
After a long meditation, I wrote this poem. In it, there are three people: the twelve-year-old girl, the pirate, and me. Can we look at each other and recognize ourselves in each other? The tide of the poem is "Please Call Me by My True Names," because I have so many names. When I hear one of the of these names, I have to say, "Yes."
CALL ME BY MY TRUE NAMES
Do not say that I'll depart tomorrow
because even today I still arrive.
Look deeply: I arrive in every second
to be a bud on a spring branch,
to be a tiny bird, with wings still fragile,
learning to sing in my new nest,
to be a caterpillar in the heart of a flower,
to be a jewel hiding itself in a stone.
I still arrive, in order to laugh and to cry,
in order to fear and to hope.
The rhythm of my heart is the birth and
death of all that are alive.
I am the mayfly metamorphosing on the surface of the river,
and I am the bird which, when spring comes, arrives in time
to eat the mayfly.
I am the frog swimming happily in the clear pond,
and I am also the grass-snake who, approaching in silence,
feeds itself on the frog.
I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones,
my legs as thin as bamboo sticks,
and I am the arms merchant, selling deadly weapons to Uganda.
I am the twelve-year-old girl, refugee on a small boat,
who throws herself into the ocean after being raped by a sea pirate,
and I am the pirate, my heart not yet capable of seeing and loving.
I am a member of the politburo, with plenty of power in my hands,
and I am the man who has to pay his "debt of blood" to, my people,
dying slowly in a forced labor camp.
My joy is like spring,
so warm it makes flowers bloom in all walks of life.
My pain if like a river of tears, so full it fills the four oceans.
Please call me by my true names,
so I can hear all my cries and laughs at once,
so I can see that my joy and pain are one.
Please call me by my true names,
so I can wake up,
and so the door of my heart can be left open,
the door of compassion.
Thich Nhat Hanh
KEYWORDS: buddhism meditation buddhism teachings compassion buddha compassion international compassion meditation forgive and forget forgive forget forgive infidelity forgive myself forgive yourself forgiveness forgiving forgiving yourself gandhi non violence how to ask for forgiveness how to forgive how to forgive a cheater how to forgive and forget how to forgive infidelity how to forgive someone jesus forgive learn to forgive learning to forgive mahayana buddhism ness ness technologies non violent protest non violent resistance nonviolence peace seeking forgiveness theravada buddhism tibetan buddhism why forgive woss ness
KEYWORDS: buddhism meditation buddhism teachings compassion buddha compassion international compassion meditation forgive and forget forgive forget forgive infidelity forgive myself forgive yourself forgiveness forgiving forgiving yourself gandhi non violence how to ask for forgiveness how to forgive how to forgive a cheater how to forgive and forget how to forgive infidelity how to forgive someone jesus forgive learn to forgive learning to forgive mahayana buddhism ness ness technologies non violent protest non violent resistance nonviolence peace seeking forgiveness theravada buddhism tibetan buddhism why forgive woss ness
Sunday, January 17, 2010
THE STORY OF MY HERO, THICH NHAT HANH
This is a story about my hero, Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist Monk.
Thich Nhat Hanh grew up amidst the Vietnam War, an endless and bloody battle between "North Vietnam” and “South Vietnam.”
Raised Buddhist, he placed a high value on compassion for all beings regardless of race, religion, or political affiliation. Thich Nhat Hanh refused to engage in the politics of war by choosing between the "North" or "South," responding to the atrocities surrounding him by demonstrating "love in action," and forgiveness. "
During the Vietnam war, those with political agendas often went as far as to involve children or elders, or pose as members of the Red Cross, or even nuns. Everyone was looking over their shoulder. The killing and paranoia seemed to feed an unstoppable river of blood.
Thich Nhat Hanh founded a group called School of Youth for Social Service (SYSS), whose mission was to simply lessen the suffering of all. SYSS hoped to demonstrate the power of universal compassion and unconditional love to all people of Vietnam and the world.
This was a time when even an unconfirmed rumor of an affiliation with the "North" or "South" would result in death or torture within hours.
The work of SYSS included recovering the remains of young villagers caught in the line of gunfire, offering comfort and prayers as a land mine victim lay dying, rebuilding bombed villages, setting up schools, establishing medical centers, and resettling families left homeless.
On several occasions, members of Thich Hanh Hahn’s group (often teenagers or men or women in their early twenties) were executed based on suspicions that SYSS had an ulterior political agenda.
At one point, a platoon of US soldiers was near Thich Nhat Hanh’s home village. All but one of eleven young Americans were gunned down in an ambush. Consumed with the desire for revenge, the surviving soldier rigged candy with explosives, and placed the candy on a trail traveled by children each day.
Many babies and children were killed. Thich Nhat Hanh and his associates recovered parts of their small bodies, returning the remains to mourning mothers and fathers. For a man deeply committed to non-violence, compassion and love, this was a nearly unbearable task.
After capturing the attention of world media, Thich Hanh Hanh was exiled from Vietnam by the Vietnamese government. Consider the irony: Most of the men and women living in his village were either too frightened to leave their homes, or had been lured into the politics of the war and violence. Thich considered all of Vietnam, and all of it’s people to be sacred, and refused to withdraw his assertion that there is a non-violent solution.
As a result of his decisions and the creation of School of Youth for Social Service, many of Hanh's young friends and co-workers were killed execution-style. Choosing a path of peace placed him near battlefields and minefields where he collected body parts and the remains of children. With this behind him, he is then forcibly deported from his homeland, once beautiful, now a slaughter ground.
In the following years, Hanh was haunted by memories of the brave young men and women who had worked alongside him. More than that, he struggled to maintain a heart that can forgive and remain open while living with the memory of the children and the candy-bombs.
Thich Nhat Hanh wrote books about Buddhism and the virtues of peace, compassion and "listening deeply." He founded Plum Village in France, where he created a community exemplifying these values.
He traveled the world helping those suffering because of war. This included trips to the U.S., where he often received death threats and false accusations.
One day in the United States, while donating time to help Vietnam vets heal from war-related trauma, a man approached him. “I cannot bear to be in a room with children.”
In tears, the man explained that after watching all of his buddies die in an ambush, he became consumed by the desire for revenge. Unaware of the common threads in their past, the veteran continued, confessing that he laced candy with explosives, resulting in the death of Vietnamese children. Since that day, looking into the eyes of a child makes the war veteran suffer from uncontrollable shakes, nausea and unbearable anxiety.
When Thich Nhat Hanh realized this was the US soldier who had killed the small children in his village, he invited the man to kneel with him and pray.
Tormented by depression, nightmares, and thoughts of suicide for more than a decade, the man didn’t think he could go on. Thich Nhat Hanh responded. “Do not make yourself suffer because of the past. There are 60,000 starving children in the world right now. By leaving the past behind and making your home in the present moment, we can help children now. It is never too late to water the seeds of love.”
Thich Nhat Hanh demonstrates a saint-like ability to love and forgive beyond inconceivable pain and cruelty. After the horrific loss of those children, he went on to teach about the beauty of even the tiniest flower, emphasizing the importance of a single smile and the transformative healing power of "listening with your heart."
He could have given up on hope and love, or allowed himself to become cynical. But because Thich Nhat Hanh remained firm in his courage to "be love," the world is a better place. To me, this story teaches that each of us possesses the resilience to move beyond unimaginable hardship. Moreover, that with such a story behind us, we can offer the world an even more powerful example of love's transformative power.
In 1967, Martin Luther King, Jr. nominated Thich Nhat Hanh for the Nobel Peace Prize.
KEYWORDS: buddhism meditation buddhism teachings compassion buddha compassion international compassion meditation forgive and forget forgive forget forgive infidelity forgive myself forgive yourself forgiveness forgiving forgiving yourself gandhi non violence how to ask for forgiveness how to forgive how to forgive a cheater how to forgive and forget how to forgive infidelity how to forgive someone jesus forgive learn to forgive learning to forgive mahayana buddhism ness ness technologies non violent protest non violent resistance nonviolence peace seeking forgiveness theravada buddhism tibetan buddhism why forgive woss ness
Thursday, January 7, 2010
The Truth About Enemies
We need enemies. They are a rite of passage.
Seeing others as enemies is part of our spiritual evolution. Enemies are a way to get through life when we are not yet able to take responsibility for our own experiences.
Just like people, countries can engage in this type of consciousness. One country can declare another country to be an enemy. “You are the reason we have so many problems.” In the business world, companies can participate in "enemy-thinking.”
Seeing others as enemies is part of our spiritual evolution. Enemies are a way to get through life when we are not yet able to take responsibility for our own experiences.
Just like people, countries can engage in this type of consciousness. One country can declare another country to be an enemy. “You are the reason we have so many problems.” In the business world, companies can participate in "enemy-thinking.”
Enemy-thinking is always a form of denial.
As we accept our role as creator of our experiences, the need to blame and point fingers at enemies falls away. If someone truly engages in hurtful behavior, we can use the situation to our benefit 1) Identify the parts within ourselves that are not yet able to forgive ourselves or others, 2) See the situation as an opportunity to forgive. 3) Recognize the situation as an opportunity to teach by example.
Those who engage in enemy-thinking have a birthright to happiness and love just like you or I.
The flipside of this is not so easy. If we can forgive ourselves for thinking in terms of enemies, can we go as far as forgiving others for their enemy-thinking? What about if it is me who is targeted as an enemy? Will I be clear enough to identify the parts of me that are not yet able to forgive? Will I be able to observe how I “buy in” to this type of behavior, “agreeing” on some level that I deserve less?
When accuses me, or claims I am the reason they are hurting, my defenses go up. My kneejerk reaction is to make them “wrong.” But I’ve found that by taking a step back, and reminding myself that just as with me, this person has the "right” to see people as “enemies.” Just as there is nothing inherently wrong with me when I think this way, others have the same right.
While enemy-thinking may not be fun, it is a necessary part of growth. Enemy-thinking in ourselves or others is always an opportunity to grow and move beyond self-imposed barriers.
When I think of seeing life in terms of "enemies," I am reminded of a gentle saint who once said, "Eventually, even suffering loses its charm.”
As we accept our role as creator of our experiences, the need to blame and point fingers at enemies falls away. If someone truly engages in hurtful behavior, we can use the situation to our benefit 1) Identify the parts within ourselves that are not yet able to forgive ourselves or others, 2) See the situation as an opportunity to forgive. 3) Recognize the situation as an opportunity to teach by example.
Those who engage in enemy-thinking have a birthright to happiness and love just like you or I.
The flipside of this is not so easy. If we can forgive ourselves for thinking in terms of enemies, can we go as far as forgiving others for their enemy-thinking? What about if it is me who is targeted as an enemy? Will I be clear enough to identify the parts of me that are not yet able to forgive? Will I be able to observe how I “buy in” to this type of behavior, “agreeing” on some level that I deserve less?
When accuses me, or claims I am the reason they are hurting, my defenses go up. My kneejerk reaction is to make them “wrong.” But I’ve found that by taking a step back, and reminding myself that just as with me, this person has the "right” to see people as “enemies.” Just as there is nothing inherently wrong with me when I think this way, others have the same right.
While enemy-thinking may not be fun, it is a necessary part of growth. Enemy-thinking in ourselves or others is always an opportunity to grow and move beyond self-imposed barriers.
When I think of seeing life in terms of "enemies," I am reminded of a gentle saint who once said, "Eventually, even suffering loses its charm.”
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
AVOIDING MALE PREDATORS
A friend lightheartedly commented about "freak-a-zoid" men contacting her.
These were men who had made lewd comments to her, had been intoxicated when she met them, or who had called her in the middle of night. Or men she connected with them via online dating, who obtained her phone number before she saw signs of deception or manipulation.
Though she was half-joking, this brought up my fears.
I have witnessed first-hand the devastating effects of violent stalkers. The woman lived with an ever-present dread and consuming fear, while plagued with a myriad of stress-related physical symptoms, including chronic pain. By the time the predator situation was resolved, we had involved law enforcement in two states, and police reports had been filed in two states.
Also involved were district attorney’s offices, public defenders offices, many private attorneys, domestic violence advocates and about twenty victim rights and disability rights organizations in multiple states.
While being stalked and threatened night and day, other emergencies arose. She had to deal with the resulting collapse of her mental and physical health. Over 18 months, she saw fifteen doctors and medical specialists, as well as two therapists. Due to extreme anxiety and the resulting agoraphobia, she was prescribed anti-anxiety drugs, anti-depressants and pain killers. Five ER visits and five hospitals later, and after fleeing her home-state, she began piecing together her life in a city she was unfamiliar with, and where she had no support network.
But she was alive.
I'd like to share some things I've learned about dealing with, and avoiding this kind of nightmare. Here, I will refer to "Freak-a-zoid" men as predators.
This is the mindset of a woman who opens the door to violent predators: "I decided to just be nice and let him down easily, so I wouldn’t hurt his feelings."
This is the approach of many woman before they became stalking victims or victims of violence. Predators run a numbers game. They hit up on 12 women a day, focusing on the woman that reject them the least. The ones that engage in more eye contact, picked up the phone to speak with them (even if to say "do not call me"), or spend another minute in conversation after inappropriate remarks were made.
How could a man open a woman's heart a little bit, so fast?! The oldest manipulation tactic in the book is flattery: “You are so beautiful.” Do predators still use this?! Yes. They use it because it works.
And there is the all-time favorite, “I love you.” For many women, these words are like a drug. Predators know it. Predators use it. There are variations. “I think you might be the one,” is how one controlling and violent man spoke to woman at their first meeting. He was a successful predator.
When undesirable men attempt to connect with you, you are in the drivers seat. You can give away your power, or use it. If he calls, do not pick up the phone. If you do, then the predator succeeds, and you are playing a game of Russian roulette with your safety. In the predators mind, that small connection is interpreted as a "buying sign." A green light.
Even a returned smile can place his focus on you. Yes, this is sad, and it sounds cynical... unless you understand the statistics and reality of crimes against woman. If you do not feel comfortable with a man, disengage completely. Every study indicates that when a woman is dealing with this kind of man, there can be no "middle ground."
In other words, if you respond to an email, even if to say “no thanks,” you have given him what he wants (connection) and further, communicated "I am interested.... ("no" means "yes," etc.)
If you are walking alone in a place that does not feel safe, do not engage in eye contact with strangers. Do not respond to talk. Walk quickly, and with direction. Pepper spray should be in your purse or on your keychain (available online and in Seattle at Big 5 stores).
If you are going to meet someone you do not know, it's OK to bring a friend. They could even sit at another table. Prior to meeting, call or email pertinent info to a friend or family member. For example, where you are meeting, his name and phone number, even his car model and make and license if you are able to do that.
If you feel it's necessary, you could even be making the call as you meet. "Mike's got blue eyes and short black hair and drives a white Honda Prelude... so I don't think this is the same guy. Talk to ya later!" That might do well as a "don't mess with me" message! In the mind of a predator, this places you in the less-desirable victim category.
Is a conscientious and considerate man really going to have a problem with a woman who is being smart and playing it safe?
“I’m really careful about meeting any man I don’t know.”
Did you know you can ask that police file a “courtesy report” if you are concerned about someone’s behavior, but not ready to file for a restraining order?
The filing of a legal a restraining order is free. If a domestic violence victim requires help filling out paperwork, there are caring advocates who will help. Free.
You can have a criminal background check done on anyone for about $25.
The first thing law enforcement will ask is “do you have any evidence or documentation of this?” The ONLY thing that really matters in court is evidence. So, save all data and records of communication, even if they are non-threatening. Copies of emails, texts, pics, letters. Everything. Sometimes, just proving that someone was communicating with you on any level can become an important issue.
If a man's behavior is worrying you, here are some basics about evidence. Emails are golden. They hold up in court and a predator cannot backtrack and claim it was never sent, etc. Next most important are voice mails. Save all concerning voice mails. Another advantage with phones is that if things get real bad, phone records can be subpeooned, showing for example, a stalking pattern of calls to you. The worst idea is to have a conversation person to person. Totally undocumentable.
One woman flew into her hometown to retrieve her belongings from a violent predator. She was smart to have a friend (witness!) with her. She was also smart to bring a camera. The resulting picture of the predator being arrested by law enforcement officers for felony assault became a crucial piece of evidence, as she continued to deal with harassment over the following year.
Even though a felony arrest is a matter of public record, that single cell phone picture was a Godsend. Anyone can claim a (arrest report) document is forged or inaccurate, but a picture of the arrest in progress? Home run.
Get witnesses. If her friend had not been present, the matter would have been what lawyers call a "one-on-one," meaning it is simply one persons word against another’s. The judges dread it. The attorneys dread it. It's a mess. Justice basically becomes a coin toss.
If you are concerned about a predator in your life, then you must think in terms of evidence and witnesses. Never meet a male predator alone. Sounds simple, but it happens all the time. In these situations, woman are often retrieving belongings, or children are being exchanged. Predators use these situations as way to gain advantage allowing further abuse and manipulation.
If it is already a highly charged situation, call the police or sheriff’s department and ask for help, and at least put them "on call" as to the possibility of problems. Write down the officer's name and also get the name of his supervisor. Or call the local courthouse and ask for a domestic violence advocate.
Getting a cell phone picture of a man as you meet is a great idea. “I have a bet with my friend about what color shirt you’d be wearing.” That will cool his predator vibe down a few notches. Especially when he sees you sending his picture to someone.
For woman with a past history of abuse from men, there is disturbing new information about trauma. A woman who has been traumatized by a man will have a DECREASED ability to remain rational in similar future situations. This means that because of your past wounds, there is an increased likelihood that you place yourself in harm's way to be hurt in the same way again!
This may be a partial answer as to how some victims appear to attract abusive situations, or become what could be referred to as "serial victims." Whenever they are close to those types of people, there brain shuts down!
For woman in this category, one solution is to check in with friends about your decisions. If a situation arises during a date or meeting, tell the man you just received an emergency text, and that you have to go. “I’m going to take one more picture of you (you are not asking, you are doing!), and then I’ve got to go!” Snap.
Of course you are in a public place, so that could be a quick and clean exit.
There is a reason psychopaths, sociopaths, anti-socials and borderline personalities lie so well… they aren’t even attempting “lie," as you or I would define it. In many cases, predators make it up as they go. They rewrite reality and believe their own fiction.
This is why they are phenomenal liars. Better than the best. Able to answer every conceivable question about their lies. So if you tell yourself you can spot “lying signs,” forget it. A predator is not "lying" when he tells you about the famous people he hangs out with, his tropical vacation homes and his 8 cars. He's describing the truth in his mind.
If you plan to do some dating, buy a disposable cell phone with 300 free minutes for about $25. By using a designated phone for all date contacts (or men you are uncertain about), your regular personal number remains confidential.
One last thing. Do not believe the laws will protect you. Do not believe the police will protect you. The police and the legal system and largely ineffective and blind. A retarded stalker could outmaneuver the laws while destroying a defenseless woman’s health and life. The trick is to stay off the radar of the predators. Do not be nice!
If this topic interests you, check out
http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm#Sociopath
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality
KEYWORDS: Keywords domestic violance domestic abuse violence intimate partner violence family violence domestic abuse help woman violence women violence violence against women spousal abuse battered women domestic assault abused women domesticviolence org domestic abuse laws domestic abuse statistics domestic abuse victims family violence statistics history of domestic abuse domestic abuse project domestice violence domesticviolence domestic abuse lawyer teen dating violence abuse against women domestic violent domestic child abuse spousal violence abusive relationships statistics spouse abuse statistics battered men spousal abuse statistics woman abuse women and violence statistics on abusive relationships abuse women abuse violence on women women abusers domestic abuse facts spouse abuse abusive relationships violence statistics verbal abuse stop violence against women emotional abuse restraining orders women's shelter abusive relationship restraining order
These were men who had made lewd comments to her, had been intoxicated when she met them, or who had called her in the middle of night. Or men she connected with them via online dating, who obtained her phone number before she saw signs of deception or manipulation.
Though she was half-joking, this brought up my fears.
I have witnessed first-hand the devastating effects of violent stalkers. The woman lived with an ever-present dread and consuming fear, while plagued with a myriad of stress-related physical symptoms, including chronic pain. By the time the predator situation was resolved, we had involved law enforcement in two states, and police reports had been filed in two states.
Also involved were district attorney’s offices, public defenders offices, many private attorneys, domestic violence advocates and about twenty victim rights and disability rights organizations in multiple states.
While being stalked and threatened night and day, other emergencies arose. She had to deal with the resulting collapse of her mental and physical health. Over 18 months, she saw fifteen doctors and medical specialists, as well as two therapists. Due to extreme anxiety and the resulting agoraphobia, she was prescribed anti-anxiety drugs, anti-depressants and pain killers. Five ER visits and five hospitals later, and after fleeing her home-state, she began piecing together her life in a city she was unfamiliar with, and where she had no support network.
But she was alive.
I'd like to share some things I've learned about dealing with, and avoiding this kind of nightmare. Here, I will refer to "Freak-a-zoid" men as predators.
This is the mindset of a woman who opens the door to violent predators: "I decided to just be nice and let him down easily, so I wouldn’t hurt his feelings."
This is the approach of many woman before they became stalking victims or victims of violence. Predators run a numbers game. They hit up on 12 women a day, focusing on the woman that reject them the least. The ones that engage in more eye contact, picked up the phone to speak with them (even if to say "do not call me"), or spend another minute in conversation after inappropriate remarks were made.
How could a man open a woman's heart a little bit, so fast?! The oldest manipulation tactic in the book is flattery: “You are so beautiful.” Do predators still use this?! Yes. They use it because it works.
And there is the all-time favorite, “I love you.” For many women, these words are like a drug. Predators know it. Predators use it. There are variations. “I think you might be the one,” is how one controlling and violent man spoke to woman at their first meeting. He was a successful predator.
When undesirable men attempt to connect with you, you are in the drivers seat. You can give away your power, or use it. If he calls, do not pick up the phone. If you do, then the predator succeeds, and you are playing a game of Russian roulette with your safety. In the predators mind, that small connection is interpreted as a "buying sign." A green light.
Even a returned smile can place his focus on you. Yes, this is sad, and it sounds cynical... unless you understand the statistics and reality of crimes against woman. If you do not feel comfortable with a man, disengage completely. Every study indicates that when a woman is dealing with this kind of man, there can be no "middle ground."
In other words, if you respond to an email, even if to say “no thanks,” you have given him what he wants (connection) and further, communicated "I am interested.... ("no" means "yes," etc.)
If you are walking alone in a place that does not feel safe, do not engage in eye contact with strangers. Do not respond to talk. Walk quickly, and with direction. Pepper spray should be in your purse or on your keychain (available online and in Seattle at Big 5 stores).
If you are going to meet someone you do not know, it's OK to bring a friend. They could even sit at another table. Prior to meeting, call or email pertinent info to a friend or family member. For example, where you are meeting, his name and phone number, even his car model and make and license if you are able to do that.
If you feel it's necessary, you could even be making the call as you meet. "Mike's got blue eyes and short black hair and drives a white Honda Prelude... so I don't think this is the same guy. Talk to ya later!" That might do well as a "don't mess with me" message! In the mind of a predator, this places you in the less-desirable victim category.
Is a conscientious and considerate man really going to have a problem with a woman who is being smart and playing it safe?
“I’m really careful about meeting any man I don’t know.”
Did you know you can ask that police file a “courtesy report” if you are concerned about someone’s behavior, but not ready to file for a restraining order?
The filing of a legal a restraining order is free. If a domestic violence victim requires help filling out paperwork, there are caring advocates who will help. Free.
You can have a criminal background check done on anyone for about $25.
The first thing law enforcement will ask is “do you have any evidence or documentation of this?” The ONLY thing that really matters in court is evidence. So, save all data and records of communication, even if they are non-threatening. Copies of emails, texts, pics, letters. Everything. Sometimes, just proving that someone was communicating with you on any level can become an important issue.
If a man's behavior is worrying you, here are some basics about evidence. Emails are golden. They hold up in court and a predator cannot backtrack and claim it was never sent, etc. Next most important are voice mails. Save all concerning voice mails. Another advantage with phones is that if things get real bad, phone records can be subpeooned, showing for example, a stalking pattern of calls to you. The worst idea is to have a conversation person to person. Totally undocumentable.
One woman flew into her hometown to retrieve her belongings from a violent predator. She was smart to have a friend (witness!) with her. She was also smart to bring a camera. The resulting picture of the predator being arrested by law enforcement officers for felony assault became a crucial piece of evidence, as she continued to deal with harassment over the following year.
Even though a felony arrest is a matter of public record, that single cell phone picture was a Godsend. Anyone can claim a (arrest report) document is forged or inaccurate, but a picture of the arrest in progress? Home run.
Get witnesses. If her friend had not been present, the matter would have been what lawyers call a "one-on-one," meaning it is simply one persons word against another’s. The judges dread it. The attorneys dread it. It's a mess. Justice basically becomes a coin toss.
If you are concerned about a predator in your life, then you must think in terms of evidence and witnesses. Never meet a male predator alone. Sounds simple, but it happens all the time. In these situations, woman are often retrieving belongings, or children are being exchanged. Predators use these situations as way to gain advantage allowing further abuse and manipulation.
If it is already a highly charged situation, call the police or sheriff’s department and ask for help, and at least put them "on call" as to the possibility of problems. Write down the officer's name and also get the name of his supervisor. Or call the local courthouse and ask for a domestic violence advocate.
Getting a cell phone picture of a man as you meet is a great idea. “I have a bet with my friend about what color shirt you’d be wearing.” That will cool his predator vibe down a few notches. Especially when he sees you sending his picture to someone.
For woman with a past history of abuse from men, there is disturbing new information about trauma. A woman who has been traumatized by a man will have a DECREASED ability to remain rational in similar future situations. This means that because of your past wounds, there is an increased likelihood that you place yourself in harm's way to be hurt in the same way again!
This may be a partial answer as to how some victims appear to attract abusive situations, or become what could be referred to as "serial victims." Whenever they are close to those types of people, there brain shuts down!
For woman in this category, one solution is to check in with friends about your decisions. If a situation arises during a date or meeting, tell the man you just received an emergency text, and that you have to go. “I’m going to take one more picture of you (you are not asking, you are doing!), and then I’ve got to go!” Snap.
Of course you are in a public place, so that could be a quick and clean exit.
There is a reason psychopaths, sociopaths, anti-socials and borderline personalities lie so well… they aren’t even attempting “lie," as you or I would define it. In many cases, predators make it up as they go. They rewrite reality and believe their own fiction.
This is why they are phenomenal liars. Better than the best. Able to answer every conceivable question about their lies. So if you tell yourself you can spot “lying signs,” forget it. A predator is not "lying" when he tells you about the famous people he hangs out with, his tropical vacation homes and his 8 cars. He's describing the truth in his mind.
If you plan to do some dating, buy a disposable cell phone with 300 free minutes for about $25. By using a designated phone for all date contacts (or men you are uncertain about), your regular personal number remains confidential.
One last thing. Do not believe the laws will protect you. Do not believe the police will protect you. The police and the legal system and largely ineffective and blind. A retarded stalker could outmaneuver the laws while destroying a defenseless woman’s health and life. The trick is to stay off the radar of the predators. Do not be nice!
If this topic interests you, check out
http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm#Sociopath
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality
KEYWORDS: Keywords domestic violance domestic abuse violence intimate partner violence family violence domestic abuse help woman violence women violence violence against women spousal abuse battered women domestic assault abused women domesticviolence org domestic abuse laws domestic abuse statistics domestic abuse victims family violence statistics history of domestic abuse domestic abuse project domestice violence domesticviolence domestic abuse lawyer teen dating violence abuse against women domestic violent domestic child abuse spousal violence abusive relationships statistics spouse abuse statistics battered men spousal abuse statistics woman abuse women and violence statistics on abusive relationships abuse women abuse violence on women women abusers domestic abuse facts spouse abuse abusive relationships violence statistics verbal abuse stop violence against women emotional abuse restraining orders women's shelter abusive relationship restraining order
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Laughing Guru
There are stories of Ram Dass's guru, who traveled from village to village in India. Wherever he went, he performed miracles and healed people. He loved to laugh and was known for his childlike sense of humor.
Upon arriving as a sacred guest of the village, they would put him in a special home for several days, and surround the home to protect the guru from the crowds. He thought it was all quite hilarious.
They would bring him the food he requested, treating him like a king. But his lifestyle was limited by the entourage of security. With a grin, he would ask, “Tell me again, how did I become your prisoner?!”
Over and over, despite the security and crowds, he would be seen RE-ENTERING.... fighting to get back into the dwelling!
So the building containing a holy man is surrounded by thousands day and night. Yet the guards are baffled as to how the guru is leaving, and more, how he is managing to navigate thru the crowds to reach the outside of the home.
Moments after speaking with him, local security is flustered when the guru is knocking on the door, begging to be let back in.
On another occasion, many were thrilled to be able to join in a leisurely boat tour with the holy man. Twenty people were thrilled to participate in the boat ride through the quiet, deep river waters of the jungle.
But in the middle of the boat ride, the holy man is suddenly in the water!! Wildly splashing water and yelling “I cannot swim!” Anxious to be a part of the guru-rescue... many jump in and swim to his assistance. But his splashing is too much. He screams, "I'm dying!" Eventually the chaos subsides and the water becomes quiet. All present are near the breaking point, weeping and shouting their cries of grief.
Moments later, they spot him calmly doing the backstroke in a distant lagoon. He apparently has no recollection of the incident. The humbly asks if he can come aboard and return to the village.
The guru seemed to be continually tickled by the fact that he was "in the play" yet unlike others, knew it was a play.
Maybe he was teaching us that life should not be taken so seriously.
Upon arriving as a sacred guest of the village, they would put him in a special home for several days, and surround the home to protect the guru from the crowds. He thought it was all quite hilarious.
They would bring him the food he requested, treating him like a king. But his lifestyle was limited by the entourage of security. With a grin, he would ask, “Tell me again, how did I become your prisoner?!”
Over and over, despite the security and crowds, he would be seen RE-ENTERING.... fighting to get back into the dwelling!
So the building containing a holy man is surrounded by thousands day and night. Yet the guards are baffled as to how the guru is leaving, and more, how he is managing to navigate thru the crowds to reach the outside of the home.
Moments after speaking with him, local security is flustered when the guru is knocking on the door, begging to be let back in.
On another occasion, many were thrilled to be able to join in a leisurely boat tour with the holy man. Twenty people were thrilled to participate in the boat ride through the quiet, deep river waters of the jungle.
But in the middle of the boat ride, the holy man is suddenly in the water!! Wildly splashing water and yelling “I cannot swim!” Anxious to be a part of the guru-rescue... many jump in and swim to his assistance. But his splashing is too much. He screams, "I'm dying!" Eventually the chaos subsides and the water becomes quiet. All present are near the breaking point, weeping and shouting their cries of grief.
Moments later, they spot him calmly doing the backstroke in a distant lagoon. He apparently has no recollection of the incident. The humbly asks if he can come aboard and return to the village.
The guru seemed to be continually tickled by the fact that he was "in the play" yet unlike others, knew it was a play.
Maybe he was teaching us that life should not be taken so seriously.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Favorite Quotes
"You can search the world for someone more worthy of love and compassion than yourself, but that person cannot be found." Buddha
"Love your enemies." Jesus
"We look for love, but we do not see with love." Krishnamurti
"You must be the change you want to see in the world." Gandhi
"Love until it hurts." Mother Teresa
"God knows no religion." Einstein
"God is home, it is you who have gone for a walk." Unknown
"Love your enemies." Jesus
"We look for love, but we do not see with love." Krishnamurti
"You must be the change you want to see in the world." Gandhi
"Love until it hurts." Mother Teresa
"God knows no religion." Einstein
"God is home, it is you who have gone for a walk." Unknown
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